The Circle Game

“You be a good girl, now”, she said to me at the end of our call – my mother’s 94 year-old voice, sounding weary but happy.

I put the phone down, smiling into a memory long ago forgotten – the remembrance of me as a girl, instead of being a blink away from a 67 year old woman. 

Thank you Mom, I needed that.

It seems so long ago – that role of being young, the girl not the woman – the child not the adult.  But, the many years that separate the two feel more like a blip than decades in this journey of mine.  In my mother’s mind, I was still there – that girl that still needs my mama’s voice telling me to be good. In her light-hearted way, she reminded my child-spirit that I am still hers, no matter the age.

I sat in the stillness of memories for quite awhile after that call, that youthful spirit doing handstands inside, at the thrill of being revived. Memories of that young girl, memories of softer, carefree days, memories of a mother whose voice once sang the staccato trills that came straight out of the heavens to land on admiring ears.  A voice I’d wake up to sometimes as she practiced outside my room, running through the chords, the piano next to my wall.  The girl I was, probably yanked the pillow over her head – annoyed to be woken.  The woman I am now would give just about anything to hear “The Lord’s Prayer” sang just once more by her vibrant, soprano voice.  Flawlessly.  Beautifully.  One of the things I’ll remember for the rest of my days – her voice and the look on my dad’s face as he listened to her.  Humble pride in that far off look in his eyes and faint smile playing across the face that I miss so much.

The thing about time is that it doesn’t stop – not for anything, nor for any reason.  We learn that at so many times in our lives.  The sun keeps shining. The Earth keeps revolving.  The birds keep chirping. The clock keeps ticking forward – even when it feels like it shouldn’t.  

Our family suffered a deep personal loss of a loved one this past spring – a loss that dug so deep into our hearts, we are forever changed.  A wound, slow to heal – raw and hurting. It touched us all in a way that it seems difficult to get back to normal   – the “new normal” with hearts and souls struggling to find their way back to joy.

But the loss of him reminds us, oh too well, that life is meant to be lived – because it is fleeting and fragile and gone too soon.   As I look at my tribe – all of the people that we are, I realize that we are all someone’s child.   My mother, at 94 is my grandmother’s daughter.  At 67, I am hers, and my daughter and son are still my babies with children of their own. We are all daughters and sons, regardless of whether our parents are with us here on earth….or residing only in our hearts. We are still a child inside, swaddled in the layers of years we’ve lived, protecting the gift of our spirit – the one that struggles to recall our memories of earlier days. No one can resist the joy that those tender, mushy, sweet memories give us – the soothing voices, warm laps, and comforting arms that move in us like the churning of water, when our child spirit rises to the surface and the need to set it free comes over us. The need to take a break, remember our youth, and feel the thoughts of innocence, sheltered under the canopy of our parents’ love. 

When Mom said those words to me, “be a good girl,” I was taken aback at the ever dominant thread of maternal-ness that still resides in her head.  And the more astounding realization that I needed to be reminded that I was still a girl, at heart. We forget that sometimes.

My daughter sends me songs sometimes for my playlist – songs she knows I might love. Songs that mean something to her – moves her spirit.  And one of the recent ones was “Circle Game” by Pink. It perfectly describes the passage of a daughter’s journey and the realization that, even as adults – mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers – we all are still daughters, no matter our age.  The song depicts the feelings that we all can have as we realize that “we’re a big girl now” and suddenly faced with life and all it’s challenges.  Sometimes, it’s overwhelming.  Sometimes it’s frightening.  Sometimes the need to be strong for everyone feels so heavy that our shoulders weaken from the load. Sometimes we need to take a minute to catch up to the demands of being the one who gives the strength.  Sometimes we need to take a break and remember – to pull out those mushy memories of hearing a parent’s voice and melt into the idea of relinquishing our duties for a moment, to catch up and be that child again, at least in our mind.

And sometimes we just need to play.

Life is so serious these days.  People seem wound too tight, ready to flail in any direction. Lost in their careers, their responsibilities, their time, their phones, their hectic lives. The treadmill of life is set on high gear, running too fast. Society has turned us in a direction that hasn’t been kind, in many ways. Pushing us all to devour our daily social media feeds for breakfast, swiping screens frantically for more information, ranting silently or not so silently about politics, religions, and anything we don’t agree on. And in the midst of that we’re trying to be exceptional people in a world that’s tightening the noose on our efforts. We strive to be normal, to be a better person, to do everything the right way.  And sometimes, frequently, it’s all just too much – too much “stuff”, too much pressure.  And there it is, that child-spirit squirming inside, feeling cooped up and needy – ready to be freed.  For a moment.  A day.  A week.  A month.  Or maybe even for the rest of our lives – we need reminded to “find our joy”

So… take a break from it all. Be easy on yourself. Be kind to your spirit. Turn the music up loud. Dance even when everyone’s watching.  Sing in the car.  Look at something new with the wonder and excitement of a child. Get excited. Clap. Laugh. Remember the joy of climbing a tree.  Remember the sounds on a playground when you were part of the noise.  Remember your first bike ride – your dad’s voice in your ear.  Remember the feel of grass beneath your bare feet – the sights, sounds, smells, and feels of our youth.

And let me remember the sound of my mom singing……right outside my door.  

Set your child-spirit free.   Set.  It.  Free.

I’ll end with these lyrics……

In the circle game, no one ever stopped to say

“Soon it’s gonna change, it all just goes away

Count your lucky stars that you got a chance to play”

“In the Circle Game”

Count your lucky starts that you got a chance to play…..says it all.